I have never seen someone so true to themselves before, so powerful that it seems like the sun rotates around them. Ian Hugen made that impression on me. She chose her own outfit, she chose her own life, and she chose her own beach; white sandy beach. The sun didn't set until a while later that day. But when it set, the sky turned violet with the slightly pink and orange shade on the rim. Just like what she liked it to be. Just like how she wants herself to be.
P: Ian, what made you feel powerful, courageous, and true?
I: I’ve lived my life in a lie for 18 years. At that moment, I felt like I was guilty. So the first time I encountered myself, happiness came along. I was 19 at that time.
Imagine that you could express yourself. Being true to yourself.
That’s the happiness I was looking for and apparently it’s never out there. It’s inside me. I’m powerful because of that. I’m full of courage because of me.
P: Your quote on your diary in IG says “In the world full of black and white, be red…”. Why red and how do you define red?
I: Funny that I used to hate red when I was a kid.
Until I was in college, I started to learn that red has two meanings; the first one is love and courage and the other is the sound of danger.
I grew up in Makassar and I happened to be the only Chinese-descent. Wearing red is a symbol of being Chinese to me.
Red is me. My red lines are bend and fragile, I tried to paint that the people that look strong is actually fragile inside and that is dangerous. That defines me today.
Dress by BIASA
P: Here's a question from a fellow trans-woman, how is other people's validation affecting you. Is validation from others important to you?
I: That depends on what kind of validation. If that means whether you’re being enough or not as a transwoman, I think that’s a progress.
I used to seek validation to be a woman. There’s just too many things. From how I was fussing over the hair on my hands to my strong jawline. I thought that made me less of a woman. It was not until I had to stop myself; because that would not have an ending.
“Stop, Ian”.
Dress by BIASA
I can accept and embrace myself physically, my body, my look. But deep down, this is my biggest thing to practice. I used to always seek validation from partners. In fact, I don’t usually be single. Because when I’m single, I’m not worthy.
Am I not beautiful enough? Am I not enough to fight for?
It was not until when I just came back from Bali awhile ago that I realized that all this time, I had been putting my worth on my partners. That’s wrong. I need to stop seeking validation from partners.
P: How would you describe your journey?
My journey is not a transwoman journey. This is our journey, whether you’re cis hetero or queer, this is a matter of finding who you are. I’m so grateful that I could find myself at such a young age. I knew who I am when I was 18, but I started to have the courage when I was 19.
This journey is tough, but compared to other transwomen, my journey is nothing. I was raised in an open-minded family that supports me. That’s why I always say that I’m a privileged transwoman because I have never received any discrimination from my family.
The hardest part of this journey is when you decide to be yourself. Losing friends is just one of the results. I was like slapped in the face when my friends, whom I thought were parts of my support-system, left me. It took me a long time to realize that it was how I let go of that toxic circle.
That’s how life goes, you lost some people, but then you’ll meet some more.
P: How was Ian when he/she/they grew up?
I: Interesting! You know what? I’ve always been a confident and ambitious person because I was raised that way.
With all the threats and challenges I’m facing today, the way I respond to them is shaped by my parents.
Skirt by Saroong
But, little Ian always knew that, “One day, I will evolve…”.
But I didn’t know when the day would happen.
P: What would be the words you remember the most from those early times?
I: Hmm, there was one sentence said by a senior from my high school. “If I would ever have a child like Ian, I’d throw him away because there’s nothing good about him”.
It was painful. It hurt me so much. But, I was fat and full of acne. I thought that there really was nothing good about him.
But one thing I remember the most came from my mom. I was caught wearing her high heels when she said,
That what makes me Ian Hugen until today.
“If you know what you want, if you know your worth, and if that is not going to hurt anybody, just go for it”.
P: What was the moment when you realized that you are what you are right now?
I: When I was in kindergarten, life was as simple as boys would watch Captain Tsubasa, the football anime, and girls would watch Barbie and Sailormoon. I watched Barbie and Sailormoon. I’m not trying to put things in boxes, but that was the moment where I knew that I’m not like other boys.
Green Silk Set by Arthur
It was not until I was in 7th grade, I dated a girl. We were dating for 8 months but I was still confused about my sexual orientation and I thought that I couldn’t label myself as gay if I never dated a girl. So, I just braced myself and surprisingly, she accepted me.
I tried to love her, but the more I tried, the more I loved her as a sister. I dumped her after 8 months and I felt guilty so much. The guilt became so heavy inside me because I went to a Catholic school where sin is in every speech and dialogue.
P: What do you want to say to little Ian?
I: I want to thank little Ian.
“Thank you for never giving-up. I was bullied a lot, but the fact that I’m here today is what I appreciate from myself. Thank you for your perseverance, thank you for not listening to people, and thank you, thank you, for chasing your dreams.“
P: Would you draw the sunset you’re hoping to see?
I: My favorite sunset’s shade is the one that starts to look purple, where the sun is almost setting but it still shines its ray.
Dress by BIASA
It’s such a beautiful transition, but no matter how beautiful a transition might looks like, transition is painful.
But, when everything has happened, you’ll know what it means.
Most of the time, it’s a painful change.
Interview and narration by Prinka Saraswati
— Her Sunset